I'm just having one of those days after not being able to sleep last night. I'm not even blah, I'm just here.
So, I've had way too much time on my hands lately and not enough to do but I'm not complaining about being bored. I know many special people in my life that could use time to themselves. I've just being thinking alot about life and what I thought my life would be like at this age.
I'll be thirty-three in October and have only achieved two of my goals from childhood. I have met a wonderful man and have been married to him for over eleven years. Although I am in school to hopefully become a nurse and have wanted to be a nurse on and off my entire life, I feel like...well I don't really know how I feel about much of anything anymore. I feel like I'm at a point in my life that I've become numb to so many things and don't know how to feel like myself anymore. I don't know if that makes any sense but it's just how I feel. While I still get depressed on and off, it isn't bad like before we moved to Texas. I love living here and don't regret moving, although I do miss me friends and family. It's just a weird feeling. I've just gotten to the point that after feeling guilty for so long I don't want to deal with guilt anymore and I guess feeling numb is how my mind deals with it.
Anyway, after many hours of personal reflection I have come to a confusing conclussion..well more really more like questions about life. At what point in your life do you give up on what seems to be unobtainable dreams and goals? How do you stop feeling guilty about things you really do not have control over?
I know I have so much to be thankful for but other than being happily married, I don't feel like I have much to show for the almost thirty-three years of my life. I'm done sulking and rambling on.
Just a few final thoughts. How do you know if you are happy? I would love to know the answer to that question. I would even settle for knowing where I should start when looking for happiness. I just want to feel whole and feel happy with my life. Sorry for being a downer today.
Potato Salad with Crispy Shallots.
19 hours ago
Just when I think you couldn't be anymore like me, boom! You go and write something like this. (Pun from Dumb and Dumber. You figure out who's Lloyd and which one of us is Harry!) Our entire lives, we've lived in parallel universes. I've been there at your happiest, and at your whit's end. I've held your hand when you sobbed, and I've seen you light up with glee. The same has been true for me. You've been there so much for me lately that I need to shut up, and listen to you. We're both in strange places right now. I think that if we were men, we'd be wearing an awful blue leisure suit, driving a Corvette we can't afford, and have a tacky gold necklace with a lion's head dangling from it showcasing two ruby eyes. That's just the image I get when I think of a mid-life crisis.
ReplyDeleteI think this is more of our mid-wife crisis. We both bare unbelievable guilt that I'm terrified will never go away. We're both blessed with the husbands we've been lucky to marry, and we came from great homes. I think that there is just something inside of us that we can't figure out what it is, but it's missing. I don't know how we will find it, or if we ever will. We each have a destiny. God has a plan for all of us. Of anyone, I totally understand questioning it. Why did this have to happen? What have I done? Again, I don't know that the answer will ever present itself. I pray constantly for that little voice to whisper an answer to me. I've even asked God to make a red light change faster as a sign that my theory of the moment was right. REALLY!
All I know for sure is that we are both blessed in so many ways. Yet, there are still empty spots yet to be filled. I believe your spot will be filled. God will put exactly what is supposed to take root and grow right in that area where your heart longs the most. Just be patient. (Pause for a scream. I know how it feels to hear that over and over.) If there is one single thing that I have learned in the last two years, it is that God's watch and mine are set in two seperate galaxies!
I'm going to continue to pray for you. I know you will do the same for me. That's why we are who we are to each other. I Love You, my friend. And, even though miles seperate us, our hearts are as close as ever!
You always get me and also manage to make me cry. Love you honey.
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